The Quest for a Queen
by OwlinAMinor
Summary: Loki has decided that, since he's successfully been reigning over Midgard for over two years, it's time for him to find a queen. Not a lady queen - he needs a man: a nice one, not too headstrong, and shorter than he is, who will agree with everything he says, and look good on his arm at parties. Christmas present for my friend Corinne. Loki/everyone (but he ends up with Jack.)


**Title: The Quest for a Queen**

**Pairing: Loki/Everyone (but he ends up with Jack Harkness) (and by everyone I really do mean EVERYONE), also minor Johnlock, 10/Rose, Jack/10, and 00Q**

**Genre: Romance & Humor**

**Summary: Loki has decided that, since he's successfully been reigning over Midgard for over two years, it's time for him to find a queen. Not a lady queen - he needs a man: a nice one, not too headstrong, and shorter than he is, who will agree with everything he says, and look good on his arm at parties. Christmas present for my friend Corinne.**

**Length: oneshot**

**AU: Loki won the war and is now the supreme ruler of Earth. (I know, it's a scary thought. I apologize for any nightmares this fanfic might give you.)**

**Dissing of the Claims: I don't own ANY OF IT AT ALL.**

**A/N: The seventh Christmas present fanfic I'm posting. (I wrote all of my friends these fanfics for Christmas because I'm broke.) Also I'm running out of author's note ideas, so ... Enjoy Loki and his weirdness.**

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_Thorsucksuary the 3__rd__, Year of Our Loki 2_

It has been two and a half years since I took over Midgard, and my projects of making it absolutely and inarguably mine (renaming all of the major landmarks in the world, all of the months of the year, and all of the days of the week after myself, redesigning the education system so that it glorified me and only me, rewriting the Pledge of Allegiance, recruiting trusted or severely threatened underlings to rule each and every corner of the world on my behalf, etc.) have since been completed.

Therefore, I believe it is at last time to turn my thoughts to the most important decision I will make in this lifetime: finding myself a queen.

By queen, I do not mean "lady" – of course not, I could never make a lady my queen. She would be much to dominant, always arguing with me, and would make all of these useless demands for things, like clothes and children and other nonsense, and my kingdom would slowly crumble, unable to support her lavish lifestyle.

No, I need a man – a nice one, not too headstrong, and shorter than I am, who will agree with everything I say, and look good on my arm at parties.

I will ponder this subject and write more tomorrow.

_Thorsucksuary the 4__th__, Year of Our Loki 2_

Qualities that I need in a queen:

1.) short

2.) handsome, with a nice body (preferably thin, slight build) that would look good in a gown

3.) willing to take _any_ position in sex (and willing to try anything)

4.) reasonably intelligent (but not as intelligent as me)

5.) good sense of humor

6.) feisty (but not in public, only in bed)

7.) agrees with everything I say

8.) likes everything I like

9.) able to act like a queen (without embarrassing himself)

10.) good at sucking dick

I have decided to send a message out, far and wide, asking men with these qualities to come forth to my palace and present themselves as candidates for my queen.

Surely they will flock to me like bees to honey.

_Thorsucksuary the 10__th__, Year of Our Loki 2_

They aren't flocking.

WHY AREN'T THEY FLOCKING?!

I will burn the hearts out of all of them!

_Thorsucksuary the 13__th__, Year of Our Loki 2_

And still, the crowds of potential suitors fail to appear.

It must be because none of them believe themselves to be worthy of my affections … Not that I blame them, of course. It's hard to be worthy of someone as great and terrible as I am.

Ah, well. If the dick will not come to the Loki, then the Loki must go to the dick. I will search the world for potential queens myself.

_Thorsucksuary the 14__th__, Year of Our Loki 2_

To make matters easier, I decided to start with the prisoners. I interrogated and made out with each, and will record results here.

TONY STARK: would be perfect, if he wasn't so infuriating, plus, although he said he'd be happy to sleep with me, he'd refuse to bottom. My dominating nature cannot handle this. NO.

STEVE ROGERS: would look great in a dress, and would be _such_ fun to top in bed, but he's so … moral. He wouldn't want to torture prisoners with me or get people executed for looking at me funny or any of that stuff! NO.

CLINT BARTON: basically an ass, and definitely would not let me top, and he kisses like a girl (not attractive at all). NO.

NATASHA ROMANOV: actually is a girl, and she slapped me when I tried to kiss her. NO NO NO NO NO.

BRUCE BANNER: also too noble. He only turns into the Hulk to save people's lives. Not very cool. He'd want to _help people_ all of the time – ugh. NO.

NICK FURY: too tall, too black, too sassy. NO.

PHIL COULSON: too … bald. NO.

THOR: … no. Just … no.

It appears I will have to widen my search …

_Thorsucksuary the 20__th__, Year of Our Loki 2_

I surveyed the Internet (see, I am a smart ruler who trusts in the opinions of his subjects for important matters) and had the top winners brought to me for examination. The results are as follows:

SHERLOCK HOLMES: too tall, and too antisocial – the general public would never like him. And too annoying. And besides, he can't stand being wrong. NO.

JOHN WATSON: too loyal – when I mentioned dick, he blushed (which was, admittedly, cute) and said that Sherlock was the only one for him. Well, the sex won't be any good if he's in love with someone else. NO.

JAMES BOND: too strong – if it wasn't for my magic, he could probably kill me in about a thousand different ways. And there's no way a former MI6 agent would let me top him. Or let me kill people for fun. And besides, I'm pretty sure he's in love with his quartermaster. NO.

Q: first off, he wouldn't tell me his real name, which is bad in itself. And he's too smart – with all of his computer genius skills, he could probably take over the world from me in his pajamas. NO.

HARRY POTTER: tried to punch me in the face. NO.

DRACO MALFOY: too arrogant, would not let me kiss him – said that I was atrocious and his father would hear about this. NO.

HARRY SAXON: cute, but completely insane. Also, he'd try to grab power from me, as I think he might have some powers of mind control. NO.

DEAN WINCHESTER: his nipples were too perky. Unacceptable. NO.

SAM WINCHESTER: not gay enough, and too angsty. NO.

CASTIEL: has no emotions. I don't think I could deal with someone so perpetually not amused. Also, his mating call is the least attractive thing I have ever heard. NO.

TOM HIDDLESLTON: too gentlemanly, too old fashioned, too in love with literature, too … rainbowy. NO.

DAVID TENNANT: HIS HAIR IS INHUMAN AND I WILL NOT HAVE IT. Plus, I can't understand his Scottish accent … NO.

I must say, I'm at a bit of a loss. Two and a half weeks, and still no closer to my goal …

_Thorsucksuary the 30__th__, Year of Our Loki 2_

I have surveyed far and wide for an acceptable queen, and still to no avail. I am starting to despair that I will never succeed in my quest. Perhaps there is simply no man worthy of my supreme amazingness.

Yes, that is the most likely explanation.

My standards are so high that no man can meet them, yet I cannot lower them, or else I cannot live comfortably, with a queen I approve of.

_Odinwasacrappyfatherber the 5__th__, Year of Our Loki 2_

Today, a strange blue nineteen-sixties-era police box somehow managed to infiltrate my top-secret study, where I concoct all of my world-ruling schemes. Out jumped a tall, skinny, British bloke (who looked suspiciously like that David Tennant fellow) in a trench coat and this loud, large-chested, blonde girl.

They announced that my ruling the world was not the way time was supposed to go, and so they had to fix that. The man was, apparently, an alien called the Doctor, and "fixing" things such as my takeover of Midgard was his self-assigned occupation.

Well, I would have none of that, of course, so I took the alien's weapon (a strange little device he called a sonic screwdriver that I really must examine later) and had both of them thrown in the dungeon. It wasn't very difficult, actually, because the Doctor had this weird thing against guns. (I can't fathom why – I like guns. They can hurt people in various ways.)

I also interrogated the Doctor later, just in case (I didn't even bother with his companion – I learned that lesson with Natasha.) His results:

THE DOCTOR: wouldn't say why he's called the Doctor, wouldn't explain what kind of alien he is, wouldn't explain where he came from – wouldn't tell me anything, actually, except for the fact that he was the oncoming storm and he would find some way to escape and "bring me down." NO.

_Odinwasacrappyfatherber the 8__th__, Year of Our Loki 2_

Today, this interesting man showed up, looking for the Doctor and Rose. His name was Captain Jack Harkness (he informed me with an incredibly sexy combination grin-wink-"hiii"), and he was tracking the Doctor with the alien's severed hand, which he apparently kept in a jar. (And yet, the Doctor had appeared to have two perfectly normal hands to me … People are weird.)

I was about to have him thrown in the dungeon as well, when I had a sudden vision of him in a pink tutu, looking absolutely delicious. And, well, that changed things. That changed things a _lot_.

"Why are you so eager to find the Doctor, Captain?" I asked. "Have a little crush, do we?"

He shrugged. "A little, yeah, but he's in love with Rose, so …"

I surreptitiously checked the security cameras and – oh, indeed, the two of them were making out in the dungeon. Lovely. Note to self: transfer them to different cells so that they can't do that.

I nodded sympathetically, moving a little closer to him. "That must be terrible, to not have the person you love feel the same about you."

"Well, I'm used to it, so it's okay."

"Still," I said, moving even closer, "wouldn't it be nicer to want someone who could reciprocate?"

"Yes," he replied, grinning, "it certainly would."

And with that, he kissed me – unlike all of the other people I'd tried out, he'd actually instigated the kiss! And it was an impressive kiss, too – clearly, he was experienced.

I interrupted our passionate make-out session before it could turn into sex to tell him, "So, Jack, I've been searching for a good queen lately …"

"I'd be quite open to the position, if you'd be willing to make some changes around here," he answered.

_Odinwasacrappyfatherber the 19__th__, Year of Our Loki 2_

It is official. Jack's and my wedding is to be in a month, and, in return for his agreement (he doesn't like to be tied down to just one guy/girl/organism), I'm making some changes to the government system. I'll share power with a body of elected citizens, and he'll be my dress-wearing queen (he can walk in heels better than most girls, I've noticed), and we'll be happy.

This search for a queen went even better than I had planned.


End file.
